Balancing the A's

Acceptance and Accountability.  Two things every child needs from the adults in their lives.  They are very different, but very essential.

Acceptance communicates to a child several things.  It communicates: "I love you."  "I value you just as you are."  "I want to support you."  "I care and empathize with all of the ways you are struggling."  "I am proud of you."  These are things that a child needs to hear and feel from the adults in their lives.  They need to know that regardless of what they might say, feel, or do, that the adults in their lives will never reject them, and will always value them.

However, there is also the need for accountability, which is very different.  Accountability challenges a child to grow, and mature, and become the person he or she has the potential to be.  Accountabilty says "I see all that you can be, and want to help you become that."  Accountability corrects a child when that child makes a choice that is unwise, or unhealthy.  Accountability puts consequences in place when mistakes are made.

Why is it important to think about these two things?  Because, you have a default mode.  In interactions with your child you probably tend to default to either acceptance, or accountability.  But, both are necessary.  Accountability without acceptance leads to a child that feels rejected, and unloved.  Acceptance without accountability leads to a child with no discipline, motivation, or self control. 

So, the task for us as parents, and adults who care for the kids in our lives, is to ask ourselves: "What is my default mode in responding to my child, and how can I become more balanced in that approach?"

How might you seek to become more balanced?  Feel free to share in the comments below.

Parenting is Give-Give

Having little kids is awesome.  It's probably the only time in parenting where the amount of effort you put into parenting is actually rewarded, because your child thinks you are the greatest thing in the world.  A significant parenting obstacle we've run into in working to support families in need is the misconception when kids become teenagers that the parent-child relationship should continue to be a reciprocal relationship.  To put it simply, parents start to slip into the mindset that our kids are there to meet our emotional needs, just as much as we are there to meet their emotional needs. 


A recent conversation between a parent and teenage child went something like this...

Child:  I don't feel like you are as available to spend time with me anymore.

Mother:  Well, I used to ask you to do things with me all of the time, and you said no.  So, now you know how that made me feel.

Do you see what happened there?  Mom tried to connect with her child not to meet the child's emotional needs, but her own.  It's a subtle shift that happens, because when our kids are younger we get a huge emotional lift from them, because we are the greatest things in the world to them.  But, as they grow we become smaller and smaller parts of their world, and it's just not as cool to hang out with us anymore.  So, all the good feelings we had from being the best thing in the world when we walked through the door are gone.  If we're not careful, when that shift happens, our attempts to connect with our children can become about getting that emotional boost for ourselves again, as opposed to providing them with the care, nurturing, and support they need.  When that happens we feel rejected when they don't want to spend time with us.  We take it personally.  We respond like one of their teenage friends who they don't hang out with anymore, as opposed to a parent who is supposed to love them unconditionally, and be available whenever they need us.

Our kids aren't supposed to give back the emotional support we provide to them.  They're supposed to keep it, and pay it forward to their own children.  Hopefully, your parents did that for you, and you can continue that legacy.  If not, then break the cycle, and start fresh with your own children.  Make a commitment that you will not demand that your children meet your emotional needs, but you will make your best efforts to meet theirs.

Good Post On Bullying and Suicide

Good post on bullying and suicide by:  by Kevin Caruso

http://www.suicide.org/bullying-and-suicide-information.html

You're grounded...no fun allowed

Setting and maintaining consistent and appropriate consequences for behavior is a large part of parenting.  We want to teach our kids what behavior is acceptable, and what isn't.  We use these consequences to do this.  When we try to determine what consequences to set, we tend to look at the things that are enjoyable in our kids' lives.  No going out with friends, no cell phone, no internet, no TV, etc...  But, sometimes we may take this idea a bit too far by thinking if something is enjoyable or fun, it is automatically in the category of things that can be taken away as a consequence.  But, it's important to make a greater distinction than that.  For example, there may be enjoyable things in our kids' lives that also greatly contribute to the lessons and messages we are trying to convey to them.  Is it a good idea to take away something that is encouraging your child to be responsible, mature, generous, and confident; just because it also happens to be enjoyable?  These things could include church youth group activities, boy scouts, a mentoring relationship, and maybe even a sport or club.  These things among others tend to be fun, but also exist to teach our kids important life lessons, and contribute greatly to significant protective factors that help our kids become healthy adults.  Therefore, taking these things away for bad behavior might be about as logical as grounding a child from school for failing a math test. 

So, when deciding on potential consequences for children, it's important to look beyond the fun factor, and ask ourselves: "Does this activity encourage the very lessons I'm trying to teach by setting this consequence?"  If so, we may want to move on to another option.

Parenting in the Midst of Marital Difficulties (Part 4)

4.  Get on the Same Page

Every parenting book you will read will tell you that healthy parenting takes consistency.  When two parents are involved this means both partners parent as a unit.  One set of rules, responsibilities, privileges, and consequences.  It is impossible to parent well when one parent sets up some boundaries, and the other usurps them.  When parents are together, and things are going well this seems like common sense.

However, when marital difficulties are happening, our disagreements are not usually limited to our relationship as spouses.  Typically there are disagreements over how parenting is to happen.  When we feel like a marriage is nearing the end, we sometimes want to throw up our hands and give up on any efforts to resolve marital conflicts.  No matter how you might feel about that as an option, one thing is clear.  Healthy parenting doesn't leave us the option of letting our parenting disagreements go unresolved.  Regardless of what might be happening or not happening in our marriage we need to be able to sit down and come to a consensus on how we will parent as a unit.  This consistency is even more important when the kids are dealing with the uncertainty of problems between their parents.

To do this we have to be able to do a few things:

1. Remember it's not about you.  (See part 1)
2. Separate your conversations about your marriage from your conversations about your kids.
3. Commit to never undermine a boundary or rule your partner has set up, even if it was without your consent. (Go to your partner about it.)
4. Talk about disagreements over parenting with your partner not your child.  (Communications to your children about rules, privileges, boundaries, and expectations come from both of you, not one of you. ex: "Your mother and I think...")
5. LISTEN!  Listen to your partner, and hear their perspective on their parenting preferences, and separate your feelings about them as a spouse when evaluating the validity of what they are saying.

This is NOT easy.  This may be one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life.  So, get some outside support to help you through this.  This could be a mature friend, or a counselor.  An outlet for your frustration, anger, and sadness is essential to navigate this, in a way that is supportive to you, and protective of your children.

Parenting in the Midst of Marital Problems (Part 3)

3.  Be genuine, but gentle

The chances of your kids not noticing that there are problems between Mom and Dad are slim.  Even if you are making a conscious effort not to fight in front of them, chances are they are going to pick up on subtle signs.  One parent leaves the room when another walks in.  Mom and Dad don't ever smile at each other, or touch each other.  Kids notice this stuff, whether consciously or unsconsciously, and it clues them into a problem.  So, they notice, and they may ask about it.  How do you respond honestly, yet in a way that doesn't degrade your partner in your children's eyes? 

Talk about the situation, not a person.  You might say things like: "Sometimes even when two people care about each other, they have a hard time getting along."  or "Mommy and Daddy are just having a hard time with each other right now."  These statements honestly ackolwedge that there is something wrong, but don't paint either parent in a negative light for the kids.  Contrast that with: "Your father has a hard time thinking of people other than himself."   That says Dad is the bad guy, and I'm the good guy. 

Remember, your kids are not the ones who should be in the position of judging who is right and who is wrong in your conflicts.  They are also not the sounding board for our feelings and frustrations.  So, honestly acknowledge that there are issues, but protect them from any negative feelings you have about their other parent.

Up next: Part 4: Get on the same page.

Parenting in the Midst of Marital Difficulties (Part 2)

This is part 2 in a series of blog posts on how to parent in a healthy way when our marriage might not be in the best place.  In part 1 we hit in the overarching idea that: It is not about you.  In the midst of marital difficulties we still need to make parenting choices with the best interest of our children in mind.  This principle is the guiding principle and fundamental goal behind all the rest of these practical ideas.  Which brings us to part 2...

2.  Don't convey negative feelings about your spouse or ex spouse to your kids.

Our kids aren't the sounding board for our feelings and frustrations in life.  This is especially true when those frustrations have to do with their other parent.  That other parent may be the most selfish, and immature human being on the planet.  You may be 100% justified in your opinion and assessment of them.  It doesn't matter.  They are still the other parent, and by airing out those feelings in front of your kids (or worse, to them) they are immediately put into the extremely uncomfortable position of having to choose between the two people in their life that are supposed to take care of them. 

There is a huge temptation to want to win the kids over to our side, especially when a marriage might be near its end.  The thing that stinks about this is that it usually works in the short term.  You can trash your partner and your kids will probably be hostile to them and more sympathetic to you.  But, you will do untold damage to your kids in the long-term.  You will severely hinder their ability to trust, love, and develop any sort of stable adult long term relationship.  So, the question is, what's your goal?  You can win a short term battle with your spouse, or protect your child's emotional well-being in the long term.  If it's the latter, we need to keep negative comments about their other parent out of their ears and minds.

That brings up a question.  If the marriage is in trouble, the kids will most likely notice.  How do we address this honestly, while still not being negative about the other parent?  Come back for part 3 for an answer to that question.