Parenting in the Midst of Marital Difficulties (Part 4)

4.  Get on the Same Page

Every parenting book you will read will tell you that healthy parenting takes consistency.  When two parents are involved this means both partners parent as a unit.  One set of rules, responsibilities, privileges, and consequences.  It is impossible to parent well when one parent sets up some boundaries, and the other usurps them.  When parents are together, and things are going well this seems like common sense.

However, when marital difficulties are happening, our disagreements are not usually limited to our relationship as spouses.  Typically there are disagreements over how parenting is to happen.  When we feel like a marriage is nearing the end, we sometimes want to throw up our hands and give up on any efforts to resolve marital conflicts.  No matter how you might feel about that as an option, one thing is clear.  Healthy parenting doesn't leave us the option of letting our parenting disagreements go unresolved.  Regardless of what might be happening or not happening in our marriage we need to be able to sit down and come to a consensus on how we will parent as a unit.  This consistency is even more important when the kids are dealing with the uncertainty of problems between their parents.

To do this we have to be able to do a few things:

1. Remember it's not about you.  (See part 1)
2. Separate your conversations about your marriage from your conversations about your kids.
3. Commit to never undermine a boundary or rule your partner has set up, even if it was without your consent. (Go to your partner about it.)
4. Talk about disagreements over parenting with your partner not your child.  (Communications to your children about rules, privileges, boundaries, and expectations come from both of you, not one of you. ex: "Your mother and I think...")
5. LISTEN!  Listen to your partner, and hear their perspective on their parenting preferences, and separate your feelings about them as a spouse when evaluating the validity of what they are saying.

This is NOT easy.  This may be one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life.  So, get some outside support to help you through this.  This could be a mature friend, or a counselor.  An outlet for your frustration, anger, and sadness is essential to navigate this, in a way that is supportive to you, and protective of your children.