Good Post On Bullying and Suicide

Good post on bullying and suicide by:  by Kevin Caruso

http://www.suicide.org/bullying-and-suicide-information.html

You're grounded...no fun allowed

Setting and maintaining consistent and appropriate consequences for behavior is a large part of parenting.  We want to teach our kids what behavior is acceptable, and what isn't.  We use these consequences to do this.  When we try to determine what consequences to set, we tend to look at the things that are enjoyable in our kids' lives.  No going out with friends, no cell phone, no internet, no TV, etc...  But, sometimes we may take this idea a bit too far by thinking if something is enjoyable or fun, it is automatically in the category of things that can be taken away as a consequence.  But, it's important to make a greater distinction than that.  For example, there may be enjoyable things in our kids' lives that also greatly contribute to the lessons and messages we are trying to convey to them.  Is it a good idea to take away something that is encouraging your child to be responsible, mature, generous, and confident; just because it also happens to be enjoyable?  These things could include church youth group activities, boy scouts, a mentoring relationship, and maybe even a sport or club.  These things among others tend to be fun, but also exist to teach our kids important life lessons, and contribute greatly to significant protective factors that help our kids become healthy adults.  Therefore, taking these things away for bad behavior might be about as logical as grounding a child from school for failing a math test. 

So, when deciding on potential consequences for children, it's important to look beyond the fun factor, and ask ourselves: "Does this activity encourage the very lessons I'm trying to teach by setting this consequence?"  If so, we may want to move on to another option.

Parenting in the Midst of Marital Difficulties (Part 4)

4.  Get on the Same Page

Every parenting book you will read will tell you that healthy parenting takes consistency.  When two parents are involved this means both partners parent as a unit.  One set of rules, responsibilities, privileges, and consequences.  It is impossible to parent well when one parent sets up some boundaries, and the other usurps them.  When parents are together, and things are going well this seems like common sense.

However, when marital difficulties are happening, our disagreements are not usually limited to our relationship as spouses.  Typically there are disagreements over how parenting is to happen.  When we feel like a marriage is nearing the end, we sometimes want to throw up our hands and give up on any efforts to resolve marital conflicts.  No matter how you might feel about that as an option, one thing is clear.  Healthy parenting doesn't leave us the option of letting our parenting disagreements go unresolved.  Regardless of what might be happening or not happening in our marriage we need to be able to sit down and come to a consensus on how we will parent as a unit.  This consistency is even more important when the kids are dealing with the uncertainty of problems between their parents.

To do this we have to be able to do a few things:

1. Remember it's not about you.  (See part 1)
2. Separate your conversations about your marriage from your conversations about your kids.
3. Commit to never undermine a boundary or rule your partner has set up, even if it was without your consent. (Go to your partner about it.)
4. Talk about disagreements over parenting with your partner not your child.  (Communications to your children about rules, privileges, boundaries, and expectations come from both of you, not one of you. ex: "Your mother and I think...")
5. LISTEN!  Listen to your partner, and hear their perspective on their parenting preferences, and separate your feelings about them as a spouse when evaluating the validity of what they are saying.

This is NOT easy.  This may be one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life.  So, get some outside support to help you through this.  This could be a mature friend, or a counselor.  An outlet for your frustration, anger, and sadness is essential to navigate this, in a way that is supportive to you, and protective of your children.