Parenting in the Midst of Marital Problems (Part 3)

3.  Be genuine, but gentle

The chances of your kids not noticing that there are problems between Mom and Dad are slim.  Even if you are making a conscious effort not to fight in front of them, chances are they are going to pick up on subtle signs.  One parent leaves the room when another walks in.  Mom and Dad don't ever smile at each other, or touch each other.  Kids notice this stuff, whether consciously or unsconsciously, and it clues them into a problem.  So, they notice, and they may ask about it.  How do you respond honestly, yet in a way that doesn't degrade your partner in your children's eyes? 

Talk about the situation, not a person.  You might say things like: "Sometimes even when two people care about each other, they have a hard time getting along."  or "Mommy and Daddy are just having a hard time with each other right now."  These statements honestly ackolwedge that there is something wrong, but don't paint either parent in a negative light for the kids.  Contrast that with: "Your father has a hard time thinking of people other than himself."   That says Dad is the bad guy, and I'm the good guy. 

Remember, your kids are not the ones who should be in the position of judging who is right and who is wrong in your conflicts.  They are also not the sounding board for our feelings and frustrations.  So, honestly acknowledge that there are issues, but protect them from any negative feelings you have about their other parent.

Up next: Part 4: Get on the same page.

Parenting in the Midst of Marital Difficulties (Part 2)

This is part 2 in a series of blog posts on how to parent in a healthy way when our marriage might not be in the best place.  In part 1 we hit in the overarching idea that: It is not about you.  In the midst of marital difficulties we still need to make parenting choices with the best interest of our children in mind.  This principle is the guiding principle and fundamental goal behind all the rest of these practical ideas.  Which brings us to part 2...

2.  Don't convey negative feelings about your spouse or ex spouse to your kids.

Our kids aren't the sounding board for our feelings and frustrations in life.  This is especially true when those frustrations have to do with their other parent.  That other parent may be the most selfish, and immature human being on the planet.  You may be 100% justified in your opinion and assessment of them.  It doesn't matter.  They are still the other parent, and by airing out those feelings in front of your kids (or worse, to them) they are immediately put into the extremely uncomfortable position of having to choose between the two people in their life that are supposed to take care of them. 

There is a huge temptation to want to win the kids over to our side, especially when a marriage might be near its end.  The thing that stinks about this is that it usually works in the short term.  You can trash your partner and your kids will probably be hostile to them and more sympathetic to you.  But, you will do untold damage to your kids in the long-term.  You will severely hinder their ability to trust, love, and develop any sort of stable adult long term relationship.  So, the question is, what's your goal?  You can win a short term battle with your spouse, or protect your child's emotional well-being in the long term.  If it's the latter, we need to keep negative comments about their other parent out of their ears and minds.

That brings up a question.  If the marriage is in trouble, the kids will most likely notice.  How do we address this honestly, while still not being negative about the other parent?  Come back for part 3 for an answer to that question.

Parenting in the Midst of Marital Difficulties (Part 1)

Perhaps one of the most difficult things to do as parents is to parent in a unified way as mother and father.  This becomes even more difficult when those parents are in the midst of severe marital difficulties, or are separated or divorced.  How do you parent in a healthy way with another person when your feelings about that person are far from positive? 

Over the next few days we are going to talk about some strategies to do just that.

1.  Remember! It's not about you.

This is the one rule that is the overarching rule to all the others.  When things are going well at home, and in a marriage we have a much easier time with this.    But, when things are going badly in a marriage, it becomes harder.  We want to win arguments.  We want to protect ourselves from pain.  We want to be the "better" parent.  We want to BE right more than we want to DO what's right.  To parent well in the midst of marital difficulties we need to flip that around.  Because, the only thing that matters as a parent is doing what is best for our children's well-being.  This is even more true when we are in the midst of marital problems, because the likelihood is our kids sense that there is trouble, and they are already feeling on edge.

OK, that sounds great.  But, how?  Check back in with us throughout the week for some more specific steps we are going to talk about to put this into practice.