A recent conversation between a parent and teenage child went something like this...
Child: I don't feel like you are as available to spend time with me anymore.
Mother: Well, I used to ask you to do things with me all of the time, and you said no. So, now you know how that made me feel.
Do you see what happened there? Mom tried to connect with her child not to meet the child's emotional needs, but her own. It's a subtle shift that happens, because when our kids are younger we get a huge emotional lift from them, because we are the greatest things in the world to them. But, as they grow we become smaller and smaller parts of their world, and it's just not as cool to hang out with us anymore. So, all the good feelings we had from being the best thing in the world when we walked through the door are gone. If we're not careful, when that shift happens, our attempts to connect with our children can become about getting that emotional boost for ourselves again, as opposed to providing them with the care, nurturing, and support they need. When that happens we feel rejected when they don't want to spend time with us. We take it personally. We respond like one of their teenage friends who they don't hang out with anymore, as opposed to a parent who is supposed to love them unconditionally, and be available whenever they need us.
Our kids aren't supposed to give back the emotional support we provide to them. They're supposed to keep it, and pay it forward to their own children. Hopefully, your parents did that for you, and you can continue that legacy. If not, then break the cycle, and start fresh with your own children. Make a commitment that you will not demand that your children meet your emotional needs, but you will make your best efforts to meet theirs.
